Episode 7: How to Heal From Generational Wounds & Set Healthy Boundaries - Bonnie Kim, M.Ed, Founder of Royal Telos Coaching
Are there things that seem to KEEP bothering you, like repeated mental patterns, trigger points, fears, anxieties, or insecurities that continue to hold you back?
Maybe you grew up in a household with a lot of conflict, addiction, or co-dependency.
Maybe you experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse.
Or, maybe you aren't sure if you experienced any of those things...
And yet, because no one is perfect, by default, EVERY one of us has baggage and wounds from our past... whether we realize it or not.
So HOW do actually find healing? Is it even possible? (Most people have NO clue.)
And how do we set the boundaries needed, especially with loved ones or family members, to maintain our mental, emotional, and spiritual health - with BOTH love and truth?
If any of this resonates with you, rest assured that you are NOT alone.
And whatever your story may be, it is GAME-CHANGING once you start to learn more about healing from generational wounds, because they really do impact EVERY area of your life (often without you even knowing!).
In this episode, we're so honored to sit down for an in-depth and vulnerable conversation with Bonnie Kim, M.Ed., Founder of Royal Telos Coaching.
Bonnie is a good friend of ours and a certified life coach who has helped us, along with many other leaders and executives, find freedom, clarity, and Spirit-led guidance.
We pray that our personal stories of struggles and healing, along with practical keys and tips, ultimately help you step further into the powerful healing, freedom, authenticity, and deep peace that God desires for you. 🤍
TOPICS:
0:00 - Intro
2:37 - A glimpse into Bonnie's personal backstory
4:13 - How God led Bonnie to become a coach (and Alex's role in it)
7:18 - What are generational wounds, and how do they impact us?
9:16 - How to start identifying your generational wounds & how they're affecting you
11:34 - Deep wounds vs. annoyances
12:40 - Bonnie's testimony re: her relationship with her dad
16:29 - Next steps for healing deep wounds (& nuances for Asian Americans)
18:38 - The importance of taking space you need to heal
20:55 - "Denying yourself" like Jesus vs. unhealthy self-neglect
21:39 - How to set boundaries with parents to break unhealthy cycles (e.g. codependency)
24:44 - Bonnie's testimony re: setting boundaries with her mom
27:28 - How to find freedom from recurring fears
29:01 - Practical key #1
30:08 - Practical key #2
31:51 - Inviting Jesus into your childhood wounds
32:51 - Practical key #3
34:09 - Practical step to grow in your own healing this week
34:53 - How to learn more or connect with Bonnie
ABOUT OUR GUEST:
Bonnie Kim has had various industry experiences ranging from teaching; non-profit work; local political work; creative directing; owning and operating several restaurant franchises. She graduated with an M.Ed from UCLA and founded an anti-human trafficking organization in 2008 that is still active today. As a veteran entrepreneur, she has also created specific business start-up courses for her clients, as well as consulted for multi-million dollar ventures.
However, out of all of the work she has been involved with, she is most passionate about helping leaders become better in their relationships with themselves and with others through her coaching platform. Credentialed by the International Coaching Federation and Gallup Strengths, Bonnie launched a coaching certification program to help leaders lead with more empathy and strategy.
Connect with her at https://royaltelos.com or on Instagram: @royaltelos.
RELATED RESOURCES
[BOOK] Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Transcript
[0:00]
Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast!
We're so glad that you are here today, because we have a really special guest. We've been really anticipating this episode, in fact, we faced a lot of technical difficulties, more than usual, and so we're taking that as a sign that there's some spiritual attack trying to stop this episode from going out. But we will not let that happen.
We know that this episode is going to help you so much, because the topic we're talking about today is how to overcome generational wounds and recurring fears.
This is such a deep and often difficult topic. I think a lot of people are daunted by it. Like, they don't know- we don't know how to have the tools to face it or overcome it.
But I just wanna personally, before Alex introduces our special guest today, I wanna personally attest that this guest that we're having on, she has been such a transformational and just influential person and both me and Alex's lives.
We’ve just experienced so much help and clarity, because she's a coach, she's a CEO, she's a founder, but she's also a really strong believer; she's Spirit-led in her coaching practices. We always sense that, as well.
And so we brought her onto the podcast today to talk about how to navigate your generational and just very deep wounds and the power that has in really changing your life.
So, I mean, Grace said it all. She's- I don't think you can put Bonnie in a box. I feel like she's lived so many lives. She's founded companies, she's a coach, and she does so many things that I probably- I don't even know. So, very hard to put her in a box, but we'll go through more of her background in this interview.
But wanted to give you some background on how we met. So I remember meeting Bonnie back in around 2015, 2016, I believe at a house church that we went together (I don't know if you remember that, Bonnie), but that's essentially that's where we met. And from there, I was one of her first coaching clients, I believe.
And since then, we've had so many coaching sessions together, obviously some seasons more coaching is needed than other seasons, but she's been very consistent, part of my life personally, and we're excited to dive deeper into generational wounds and overcoming recurring fears that I'm sure many of our listeners struggle with.
[2:37]
Bonnie, why don't you, for the sake of our listeners, why don't you share a bit about your own personal story in your faith, in your entrepreneurship journey, and what led you to what you are today?
I know we don't have probably 10 hours to share what led to my relationship with Jesus and how that also impacts my entrepreneur journey, but as cliche as this might sound, it really is that love relationship with Jesus that has dramatically impacted and transformed my life.
Pre-Jesus, I was very confused. It was very dark seasons. I grew up in a home of a lot of dysfunction. I experienced in my personal life a lot of isolation, a lot of bullying from kids at different age levels, grade levels, and a lot of relocating to different cities, schools, etc.
So, the topic of generational wounds, what we're going to talk about today, is very significant in that you can just see a lot of patterns that happened even in as I was working through a lot of my faith and reconciling who am I or and who- what is an actual part of what was kind of passed down to me, behaviors that were passed down to me? And trying to make that distinction.
So I'm coming on here today because I love both of you guys, and if any of the audience members have been struggling with this, I am more than happy to share my story and any support or tips that I can provide.
[4:13]
You've been through so much in your journey. And you've also, just like Alex said, you've started so many different ventures, led non-profits, led different kinds of teams in different sectors, and you're also creative, too, I know you do DJing and art and dance and yeah, I was just wondering like out of all things like, how come you decided to specifically learn more and specialize in this area of like, coaching and helping people through these kind of more inner world tensions and conflicts?
To be honest, when Alex came up to me and said, do mentor? Or can I- basically like, can I, can I like, learn some things from you? Seems like you know, you might know something. (I remember that we were, we were on Facebook messenger.)
Oh my gosh. Okay, I know it was somewhere, somehow, but I remember you asking that, and I wasn't sure how to navigate around that. I'm like, like what framework would be helpful? I don't want to just say yes, and then never talk to him, like once a year, that's not really helping him.
But then I came upon the world of coaching and at that time, I thought it was kind of a lot of nonsense. A lot of like, bogus stuff, like the world of this life coaching, or executive coaching, I just thought it was kind of strange.
So, I didn't think too much of it. But as I was doing a little bit more research, I just felt a prompting from God that this is probably the right direction for the season of my life.
So, as a test, I made this program called The Proper Order of Love. Wow, it's so interesting that I remember it now. And then asked Alex, do you really want to take on this program? And surprisingly, he said, yeah, I'm in! I wanna do it.
So, I was like, oh, I thought he was going to say “this seems kind of weird,” and be like, “no.” Okay, so then we did it, and then he liked it.
And I took that as a sign, okay, God, your finger is on this. So I'm going to keep going in this direction. I'm not exactly sure what it is that you want me to do, where I'm supposed to land in this, but I’ll keep step by step going in this direction.
So that's been most of my life after I got saved. It's never been this, like, calculated move of: I only want that and I'm going to go for it. It's been more of: Something is happening, and then I'm trying to like, ask God, like, is this what you want me to touch on for this season?
Even though it's very hard, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know- I don't have any real understanding, but just purely in obedience to try. And that's what led me. And then now, I'm seeing after doing it, for about six, seven years, I'm now seeing the importance of not just the industry of coaching, but the framework of coaching that is so transformative in everyday life for anybody.
Alex plays a big role. Wow, I was a guinea pig. Which helped launch you! Which is… I feel so honored.
[7:18]
Question for you. I remember even going through The Proper Order of Love. We unrooted a lot of generational wounds that I had. Like, an example is, I remember, you told me specifically to write a letter to my parents, which made me cry so much when I read it to them. And that was super transformational.
Can you speak to everyone: What is generational wounds, and how does it impact our lives?
Yeah, absolutely. This is just my own perspective. So there are tons of different variations of how generational wounds could come up and show.
If you look at even just a scientific basis, there's a study called epigenetics, where they found that the trauma that a person has encountered in their lives can actually be passed down to their children, because their DNA has been altered.
Science itself, it's more recent discoveries, it shows that this is actually possible. Your choices that you're making in this lifetime can be now passed down to your children.
But all the more, it really supports and backs up the biblical accounts of even something called generational curses. I would say that they're kind of related, where you see biblical counts like King David, right?
King David. Great guy, but he did a lot of things. Then for some reason, if you look at his accounts of his sons, right? There was a lot of turmoil that happened after he made these mistakes.
When we see that happening, as an example, we see that your own behavior has a manifestation in the next generation.
So a lot of how we behave and act, it's an amalgamation of what we've experienced on top of what was passed down, so nature and nurture. And we have to really sift through what is actually nature, and what is actually nurture, so that you can really live in that place of integrity, because if you're only holding on to pass down generational wounds and you're reacting from that place, how do you live with integrity of who you are? Because you don't know who you are.
[9:16]
Yeah, I feel like so many of us, when we're, if we're not aware of those deeper, like, wounds and hurts and pains from the past, and no one's perfect, right? So no parent is perfect, either, so there's inevitably always going to be pain that needs to be healed.
But if we just try to ignore it or like, try to build on top of it, it's like the foundation isn't strong enough to sustain more growth. And so, how can somebody- could you like, break down like, how can someone start to identify like what are some of those wounds that they might have that maybe they don't even realize they have and how it's affecting them?
Well, the first thing is try to notice what irks you about your parents, like, really bothers you. It sets you off. It's those triggers. It's those moments where it's not a like, little inconvenience, but it really pisses you off. You go from zero to a hundred right away.
If it bothers you that much, chances are there might be something there. Chances are you might actually repeat that behavior. Because if it's bothering you that much, something about it is very close to your heart.
So, even if you feel like, “no, that's- I don't exhibit that behavior that my mom does, ‘cause my mom, she's so micromanaging, she drives me crazy. I hate it when she does that,” right?
You might actually now internalize that and do the extreme reverse as a sign of rebellion. If you have your kids now, you're like, you don't even care. You're like, “do whatever you want. No, I will never wanna oppress you like my mom.” But you don't know that was actually now you doing the reverse, because that essentially there's a stronghold in your life of that generational wound that you're carrying.
So along with that, another thing that you might do is make vows, where you kind of say things like, “I don't ever want to be my mom,” or “I will never be like her.” Or, “I will never be like my dad, who was a deadbeat.”
Those types of words are rooted because it comes from deep fear and trauma. So naturally, there's something there to be explored that could be a generational wound that you are now holding onto that has been passed down, because your parents, it was passed down possibly from their parents.
And another way you can try to pinpoint is just ask your trusted and safe friends what habits, both seemingly good and bad habits, they've noticed about you. And chances are, if they can be honest with you, they might point it out, and you can explore a bit more of those.
[11:34]
How do you differentiate a generational wound versus just an annoyance? Like, my mom, she feels very negative. And that irks me. But it’s annoying. So how do you differentiate between the two, like, this person's annoying, versus, oh, maybe there's something there to explore.
I mean, annoyance, anything that brings up a negative feeling, is just an indicator of something. I think being aware of the cadence, the frequency of the annoyance, so, if she’s just talking about anything and that's just annoying you, it's like, okay, like there's something there.
But I think generational wounds focus on more of a certain theme, whereas annoyance can be, it's like very complex, annoyance can just come up because you're tired, so I'm just annoyed or There are doing something that you don't value, that's annoying or it could be part of generational wounds.
So it's a little bit difficult to pinpoint just from annoyance, but I personally feel it has more tie to very significant behavioral changes. And also very specific, like, traumas. It's a lot more weighty, I think, than just simple annoyance.
[12:40]
Can you share, to level of detail that you're comfortable, an example from your own life?
Yeah, absolutely. Man, there’s just so much. Where should I start? Which dark avenue are we gonna go? I'm just kidding.
Okay. So, okay, I will- I will share kind of a story, plus, I would think it's a pro tip. Pro tip first.
So, in the Bible, and I don’t wanna sound all preachy and stuff, but it’s interesting how Jesus was very clear about not just being this compassionate God on earth, but he did always revert back or go back to saying: repent.
And it sounds strange, right? Like, aren't you this God who's supposed to care about us? We’re- we're the one who is hurting, like, we're the one who's sick. Why are you asking us to repent? Doesn't it seem strange?
But when we hold onto anything, even justifiable anger or bitterness, it gives us permission to stay in bondage. And because of this, we first have to have a posture of surrendering the need to be right to God.
When you do that, it's a different type of posture, where you're not tortured by this need for vengeance and justice.
And example of this is, I grew up pretty tough, in my opinion. I don't think I would’ve wanted any child to go through what I've experienced during my childhood. There was no emotional support. A lot of isolation. A lot of moving around. And I didn't really have friends. I didn't know how to make friends.
And on top of that, during middle school, I was very rebellious. So I would get into arguments with my dad a lot, and then it became just like, physical.
It was pretty bad. Social Services came over to my house by the time I was 14 and 15 to take me out. And by that time, I was pretty much almost getting kicked out of school just for a lot of fighting at school.
So, I'm just at this place where there's just no hope for my life. And one day, at a retreat, at like a church retreat, I really felt God leading me to surrender to him. To repent, to surrender to him, give my life. And I did.
And one of the first things he wanted me to do to love those who persecute you. And I was trying to think: who persecutes me, who's my enemy? It's like, my dad's my enemy. He's my enemy.
So, I tried to - not because I love my dad. I didn't. I hated him - but purely out of an act of obedience, because of my love for God, I said, okay, I will try to bless those who persecute me, which is my dad.
So, I thought of different ways to love and bless my dad, and that was I went out, and I would buy like little snacks and cookies. And I wrote a cards for him, telling him that I'm thankful for how he’s working hard for the family. Even though I don't believe it. I was like, whatever. I'm just doing it. And then I would actually leave it by his office at home.
And it was just so, like, cringy and crushing to my ego and pride to do this. Because I'm like, “Who are you to be even deserving of this kindness from me? No.
“But out of obedience to God and what I'm reading from the Scripture, and because I love God, okay, I'll do it.”
So, I did it for like, 30 to 40 days. Like, every day, a new treat, a new card. And it was the most bizarre experience for my father, understandably, because it was weird.
But that story, it broke something in him. I think it was one of the first times he saw and experienced somebody showing him that he was deserving of love and encouragement, when he probably felt like he wasn't. And that's what grace is, right?
From that time on, we have a really good relationship now. It's been like about 22, 23 years.
That's so powerful. I feel like a lot of people can relate to that, like, thinking of who they feel persecuted by, or who's like, their enemy, it can be oftentimes a parent, or a parent figure, or some kind of authoritarian person in your life who maybe abused their power, or they didn't know how to use it well. They didn't know how to love you well.
[16:29]
And so, once someone knows, “okay, I think I'm annoyed by something, there’s something inside here, maybe I already identified what I don't like about my parents,” how can somebody start to heal and overcome that wound?
Yeah, I think, so it just is interesting with Asian culture, and Asia's very vast, Asian people are very vast. There's a lot of nuances that people don't think about when they just put us all together in one box. But I'll try to generally think about patterns from my own life, as well as what I've seen in a lot of my friends who are Asian American or Asian.
And, as you know, and resonate, Asian culture just has so much shame bound within our culture. So much saving face. And shame comes because you can't be who you are. That's basically it. You're hiding something. You're hiding the truth. You're hiding yourself. That's where shame develops.
Because that must mean, like, something about myself is not correct or not lovable. So that's why I have to hide, right? And that's- even in the beginning, that's what happened during the Fall. They had to hide, and God was like, “where are you?” God knows where they are, but he's trying to say, like, “hey, why are you- why are you feeling shame?”
It's already kind of within the DNA of, like, generationally from Adam and Eve of all humanity that we have this tendency towards hiding. But even more so, I think in Asian culture, because of different practices, like even Confucius practices that were culturally brought over.
I paint that context because it's tricky, because the answer isn't to just be a good Christian and then stuff up your pain, and just work harder. Because that there's a huge danger in that.
A lot of the verses in the Bible, you will see about “deny yourself and pick up your cross,” right? “Love is basically sacrificing yourself,” now gets mixed in with this Asian cultural aspect of duty, which then just exacerbates your shame.
So, it's confusing now. Like what is it? What is- what are we trying to actually do?
So I think first thing is to really recognize that this will take a little bit more time to unpack and see what is coming from my cultural identity, and what is actually something that God is asking me to do.
[18:38]
There are times where you need to actually separate away from those who are overwhelming you. I've seen some folks who, because of that shame, and because of that duty, and because in their mind, they think, “this is a Christian thing to do,” keep subjecting themselves to abuse or abusive type of environments. They're not at a place where they can handle that.
And that is a form of pride. It's saying, “I can handle this, therefore, I will be a dutiful child to my family.” Yet they're being, like, they're ripping open that healing, again and again.
So for some folks, when you feel that every single time you're around your family, and you're around these spaces that you're just, like, coming home, completely angry and exhausted or you fought with them, that might be an indication that you actually need more space.
So no contact, or like, letting them know, “hey, it's for a period of time. I'm trying to assess some things. I can't be, like, at your beck and call, text message, whatever.” When you finally have that quiet space, the truth starts coming to the top.
I think the point that, yeah, you're bringing up here, which is really important, is there's a time for everything, right? So like, if you know that you're not at a place where you can really maturely and healthily, like, have that kind of conversation, that you would just be triggered and operate out of your flesh, then, yeah, I think it's a really good and wise move to actually take some space and time.
I was actually talking, Alex and I were talking about something similar recently, and I was making this analogy of, like, if you had a deep, like, an open wound on your arm, and you didn't take time to just leave it alone, to let it heal, but you were just like constantly picking at it, it's like, not gonna heal. It's gonna get infected. It might even get even worse.
And so yeah, I think that's a nuance that not many people talk about, about the wisdom, of course, maybe you want to make space, but don't also default, like, I’m just never going to talk to them again. There's definitely a balance there that needs to be done in wisdom and through prayer.
If I can't prioritize my own health, who am I to think that I can just go ahead and like, try to make something happen with some, you know, with my family or whoever else? I need to make sure that I get my own house in order, my mind in order. And let me, from that place of clarity, stability, then can make a decision. And sometimes you really can have those distracting reminders during that time.
[20:55]
I remember one of our counselors, I was talking about this one time like, well, Jesus says to deny yourself, and, but I'm confused now, because I feel like when I deny myself, I don't- I'm lost, and I'm confused.
And she actually asked me a very Bonnie question, I would say, she was like, “Well, do you have a self to begin with?” And I was like, “Oh, shoot. I- What do you even mean by that?”
And it really illuminated, like, you need to have a sense of yourself and to know yourself, like when Jesus says to deny yourself, it's not like, neglect your needs and neglect what you- what God is calling you to do. It's more like, don't just look after your own interests and whatever you wanna do for your own comfort.
[21:39]
I- I can think of my example. I mean, it's better now, but before, it was pretty bad, where I felt like my mom was dependent on me, almost, like codependent. But whenever I would break free, she would break down crying.
So, how do you manage the tension of honoring your parents (right) while dealing with all that mess? Yeah. Like manipulation. Guilt. Shame. Guilt tripping. The list goes on.
You know, just normal, average Asian parental topics, right? (Yeah.) Wow.
A few things. One: of course, case by case, with the guiding of the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit is Counselor, the Holy Spirit leads you to truth. So, case by case, you ask the Holy Spirit: “What is it I’m supposed to do, God?” And then reading your Word to also check, right? That's just foundation baseline.
In terms of practical, try not to look at shortsighted goals. Lots of times, we want to appease our parents. That’s a short-sighted goal. Now, in your case Alex, she's breaking down crying because she herself might not realize that that's either her own PTSD, or it could be a manipulation tactic to get you back, or it could be both, who knows.
But somewhere in there, it’s just not helpful. It's not helpful that just because you're spending some time away, she's like, breaking down, going like, mania. It's not helpful to anybody, right?
But that is an indication of, she's doing something that's making now you uncomfortable. It's kind of like making you want to go back into that cycle, like that dramatic trauma cycle, where you can now be the savior to it.
So, in that case, you look not to the short-term goal, but what is a long-term goal? The long-term goal is I actually want my mom healed. I actually, I want to be healed. Am I doing a service to her if I now step in, and I enable this behavior?
If I step in, and if I actually, you know, tell her, “I'm so sorry mom, I don't mean to make you cry, etc. etc.,” is that actually enabling this like, constant behavior, or is this going to actually help her, or hurt her?
But if I don't, if I pull back and let her sift things on her own, and I'm praying to God, like, “will you intervene?” Perhaps in there, she could come to a realization, or perhaps it will force her to get some help in some other way that's not dependent on me. Now I'm breaking this enabling behavior.
Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it a long-term goal and a strategy? Yeah.
So in all things, to not look at the shortsighted, reactionary behavior that we can take, but look at, pullback, and think: What is actually going on, and could I help them towards a long-term goal and help myself towards long-term goal of healing?
Yeah, it's like sometimes, the most honoring and loving thing is not the whatever feels good or pleases that person. I think we often get that mixed up like, “oh, by honoring my parents, that equates to pleasing them, doing whatever makes them happy.”
But I totally agree like, not just with parents, but any- any relationship, sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable or even painful for one or both sides, but it's for the betterment of- of the people in it.
[24:44]
There was a period of time where my mom would constantly ask me the same question in order for me to change the answer. Like, for instance, “Did you eat?” “Yeah, I already ate.” “Are you sure you ate?” “I told you, I just ate.” “I know, but aren't you hungry?” Like, six times. She would do this regularly about different topics, and imagine how insane I feel, like, “stop it,” right?
There was one very significant moment where she was telling me about something, basically trying to force me to change my mind about something, and I looked at her, and this is just my method of what I did, I don't recommend anyone does this, you know, this is just what happened with me, but I had to actually look at her and say:
“Mom, I'm choosing to draw a line right now. This is my boundary line. And right now it's been crossed when you keep doing that. I don't feel safe. So please stop.”
And then it took her by surprise, because it was such, it was so weird. I mean, she's like an Asian mom, right? (So direct.) Like, Korean mom. Yeah, it's like so weird for… like to encounter especially like they don't think about things that way.
But that was one of the first moments where something clicked in her. Because I told her, “Mom, I'm going to therapy, because I feel like this line keeps being entered into, and I don't feel safe. So please stop. I'm drawing the line now.”
So when there was a period of time, where she would have this, keep doing that, and I’d do the same thing. I’d go: “I'm drawing the line now, Mom. I'm drawing the line.” And it would help her remember: “Oh, okay. You're getting stressed, got it. “
But from that point on, there was a significant change in our relationship and where she was- something clicked in her, and she started trying. So, I don't know, but that was a very interesting experience.
I remember doing something similar to that with my mom, and it was not pretty. I mean, Asian moms, when you draw that line, I think part of them, part of them just recognizes that “oh, I'm no longer a parent, or I don't have as much control over my kid.”
And I mean, we're both only children, too. So whenever we've done something like that, maybe not to your degree, Bonnie, but just like creating some boundaries, it's always been very emotionally messy.
Yeah. And it often, this is what I've learned experientially and talking to therapists and counselors, like, whenever you set boundaries of people who are not used to them, you'll almost always get pushback, a reaction, you know, guilt tripping. And then, you'll start second guessing yourself like, “Oh, shoot, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am a bad person, a bad daughter or friend.”
So I think it's even more important in these situations to surround yourself with people who can encourage you, like, “You got this, this is what you need to stay healthy, stay strong, you're doing the right thing.” Otherwise it can be very easy, especially when if you're new at it or you're not- you haven't done it a lot, it's like, it's very uncomfortable and painful.
[27:28]
You know, in terms of generational wounds and struggles, I think one category that a lot of people deal with is fear. Like, fear of failure, fear of financial insecurity, fear of other people's opinions, approval, list goes on.
Is there a different way or a specific way that you would suggest if someone has like a recurring fear, that maybe is like part of a generational wound, how do they address and not be trapped in that cycle of fear?
I think a lot of this, surrounding this is, can be very heavy. It's a lot of work, it's very heavy, and it's easier to just almost ignore and bury and live your life.
So the first thing is just a posture that we can come with it, it’s an open heart and realize that this type of healing may take a lifetime.
And if that is a case, just to do it slowly and not to feel so pressured, like, performative. A lot of Asian culture can be very performance-based: “Get an A+++ on your healing!” We don't wanna do that. (Yeah.)
So the first thing is to know this might take a lifetime, and that's okay.
Interestingly, I was just in Japan, and something I really appreciate about culturally, for a long time now, before I even went to Japan, is this concept of wabi sabi, which is all about embracing the imperfections of life. And that's something that I’ve tried to really understand for the past like, 10 years with a context of God moving in my life.
So no one is ever going to reach A++ in anything and everything. So why not just embrace where we are right now and understand it might take some time?
[29:01]
On a practical level, the first step is just to notice. You will notice when your body feels overwhelmed. Your mind goes dark, or you’re irritated, or your outlook suddenly becomes more negative.
These are all indicators and symptoms that your soul and your spirit is communicating something to you. You're holding onto something. Awareness is always the first piece. Be very mindful about your physical physiological symptoms. Like, your nervousness, your stomach aches, your headaches, emotional symptoms, right? When you feel so dark and sad. Those are indicators.
The next step is generally to, what I mentioned earlier, is just a remove yourself from that space to process what is going on, and to give space for your mind and body. To assess and bring out the reality of what's happening.
Like, why is it that I'm feeling so fearful? Where is this coming from? Sometimes you don't have space for that, so you just jump on to some other activity. Create that space for yourself, especially regularly. And give yourself permission, because the harder you can work at these deeper challenges and issues, the healthier that you will become quicker.
[30:08]
Another way is, after you realize what might be going on in this space, is just speak the truth in a compassionary way. Acknowledging your hurt, and acknowledging why you feel fearful, and validating your emotions. Even say your coping mechanisms out loud.
So for instance, “I’m in this family gathering. I just feel like everybody's questioning me about my looks. I'm now in the bathroom away from everybody, I feel very overwhelmed, and I know that my mind and my heart is racing. And as my coping, I feel like all I want to do is just make snarky comments back. but I know that's the way that I'm trying to cope, and I know the reality is that they're trying to pass their generational learnings or wounds to me, and I will refuse, that that's not who I am. I have been redeemed, I have been working on this, and I know who I am in Christ, and these are the ways that God has been helping me, and etc. etc.”
So just like, even out loud, hearing it, it kind of goes into your mind, as opposed to just sitting there quietly and letting your mind go amok.
It's a really good example of like, “take every thought captive,” like, noticing what's going on in your mind and your feelings, and choosing like, what to believe and what to allow yourself to believe. Otherwise, I feel like, from my experience, before I learned any of this, yeah, it's very easy to just, whatever you're feeling, it just dictates what you think and what you believe, and then you just downward spiral in those situations.
So I feel like that's a very empowering like, first step for anybody. If you're feeling this fearful, anxiety-inducing, you know, energy or circumstance to kind of be aware of that, and then show yourself the love that God is already giving you in that situation.
[31:51]
I think, actually, are you comfortable sharing an example? I remember when we were, me and Alex were still dating, we were doing this exercise that you said that Bonnie actually taught you about giving love and compassion to your child self and it was kind of like inner healing slash counseling, showing love to your- healing your inner child.
Yeah. It- I feel like Bonnie would say a better than I could. (Or like, do you remember what example that was in your life?) I think it was something… It was like a flashback to like, envision, like, me in this situation like, recall, recount a time when you felt fearful about this. And then, you would ask, Bonnie, “If Jesus was in the room, what would he say?” It was really, really helpful to see it through that lens. Do you remember that, Bonnie?
Yeah, I do remember. Now I remember.
[32:51]
Definitely another way is to shift our focus away from the world. “Do not- be not conformed to the things of this world, but by the renewing of our mind.” Everything that, even generational wounds, is very tied to the ways that the world operates.
Performance is the way the world operates. Performance goes against everything that is grace. “Improve your worth. Prove it,” right? And a lot of Asian culture is about proving. Saving face. Make sure.
But when we counter it with the truth, not conforming to the ways of the world, but renewing of our minds with the ways that Jesus thinks about the us or Jesus’ behavior, in those moments we can also look and think about, “What would Jesus actually think about me? If he's sitting in this bathroom with me, what would he say about me?” And declaring those out.
Like, “Thank you, Jesus, that you actually look upon me with compassion and your kindness, and you don't want me to suffer in this.” Like, “They don't have any stronghold on me, because they are merely humans on this earth. You are God. You are supreme.”
Yeah, I feel like we can we can unpack so much of this. There's so many practical tips to dive into in such a short amount of time. Thank you Bonnie, for all your wisdom. And just sharing all those experiences.
[34:09]
For the listeners, what would be your number one top recommendation for a practical step that people can take this week to start their journey to overcome generational wounds and overcoming those fears?
Oh, just one? I'm kidding.
I would say look at the behaviors of shame. The definition culturally, as well as how it shows up in your family and how it shows up personally.
If we want to get to these other aspects of generational wounds or how we can have practical type of methods to overcome, we have to go to the root. Like, really go to the root. And notice what those root causes and behaviors are, so that we know how to have activity around it that's helpful.
[34:53]
Man, I wish I could keep talking for another 10 hours, but in the meantime, if people want to learn more about or connect with you, Bonnie, how- what's the best way they can do that?
Yeah, absolutely. Primarily through instagram. So through my coaching Instagram, it's called Royal, like royalty, Royal Telos, T-E-L-O-S. It means “purpose.” So Royal Purpose, it’s basically another way of saying Kingdom, Kingdom Purpose. So Royal Telos on Instagram, you can DM me. You can also find me on Linkedin, same- same name.
A lot of the stuff on on there is more focused towards like executives, but that's fine, because we use all of this type of stuff in those spaces, as well.
Regardless of what executive or non-executive position we're in, we have, we've come to Bonnie so many times in our own journeys and just gotten so much breakthrough by how much she helps us process, gain clarity, sense how God's leading in our lives.
And I think I've referred at least like, 10 plus friends to you, Bonnie. I actually I think just this past week, a few days ago referred somebody else, so they might be reaching out.
Yeah, she's a game changer. She's basically influenced my life in so many different directions. Like, oh, step through that door, or no, don't do that. It's just like, really crazy, but (and she’s not paying us to say this, so. Just in case anyone's wondering).
I should, I should pay you guys to say that. Now I'm like, wow, that's really awesome. I'm just here like, trying to live my life, trying to do a God has asked me, and then when I hear these things it's like, it's like a nice warm dessert coming my way Like, ooh, that’s so nice to hear. Thank you.
So thankful for you, Bonnie, and thanks for sharing your stories, and your insights and wisdom.
And, yeah, we just encourage you guys, if this helps you in any way, keep exploring, keep journeying. Don't try to rush the process, either. This is a lifelong journey. But that's the beauty of it, is that we get to journey with God and do it in community with others, as well. And know that we we really do need God to figure out all the grey areas of life and how to navigate it.
We hope you're encouraged and this helps you in whatever you're going through.
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