Episode 10: For The Person With A Complicated Relationship With Their Dad

episode
Written By Grace & Alex Tran

With Father's Day around the corner…

We want to specifically dedicate this (very vulnerable) episode to those of you who have a complicated relationship with your dad.

In many cultures especially (such as ours as Asian Americans), it’s normal to feel unsure and ill-equipped to navigate the confusing and complex “love-hate” tensions we often feel with our parents... especially our dads. (Ever wonder why the term “daddy issues” exists?)

But it makes it that much harder, too, when your social media feed gets flooded with "I love you, Dad!" posts on Father's Day.

So join us today, as we share openly and candidly about:

  • The biblical importance of a father’s role

  • How our personal relationships with our dads have shaped us (both negatively and positively) and our relationships with God

  • Our deep-rooted father wounds, including the struggles we have even to this day

  • What has practically helped us find healing, hope, and restoration in the midst of all of it

So, if you have a complicated relationship with your dad…

This one’s for you.

We hope that this very REAL and raw conversation brings you comfort - so you know that you are not alone.

We pray that this encourages and helps you to be able to better see your dad through Jesus’ eyes - and to love your dad with Jesus’ love for each and every one of us. ❤️

TOPICS:

  • 0:00 - Intro

  • 4:17 - Grace's relationship with her dad

  • 13:17 - How it negatively & positively impacted her

  • 15:04 - How it impacted her relationship with God

  • 17:26 - How she’s experienced God’s redemptive work

  • 22:58 - Alex’s relationship with his dad

  • 28:01 - How it negatively & positively impacted him

  • 29:22 - How it impacted his relationship with God

  • 33:51 - How to heal from father wounds: Practical Tip #1

  • 36:23 - Practical Tip #2

  • 40:36 - Practical Tip #3

  • 44:32 - Practical Tip #4

  • 49:01 - 2 Reflection Questions

  • 49:55 - 3 Simple Prayers

RELATED RESOURCES

Transcript

[0:00]
So today we are talking about a very heavy and weighty topic. And emotional, very personal to us. (Mhm.) And so, I just want to put it out there. I feel, I actually did like, preparing for this podcast episode, personally I have felt the spiritual opposition like all day, physically and spiritually, just this energy, that's just very weird.

But we're trusting that the Lord is going to speak through this to, I actually do feel like some people will be set free from this topic, this conversation, and hopefully, our hope is that we can share some vulnerable, you know, struggles and how we dealt with them, and also what God has been teaching us and how he's been redeeming parts of our stories, too, in the process.

So today's topic, as, you know, if you've clicked on this and you are listening or watching, is for those who have complicated relationships with their dads.

And this is, by the time we release this, this will be the week before Father's Day. So, you're probably aware, you know, Father's Day is coming up, and if you come from a family where you have a great relationship with your dad, you're like besties, you text each other, you hang out, you're like bros or you know, whatever it looks like, that is great. That's really good for you. We're happy for you!

But this episode is specifically dedicated to those who we just know, so many people, like us, who don't have that kind of relationship with their dads. Their earthly dads.

Anything you want to add to that about before we get into it? Well, I think even people who do have great relationships with their dad can also get value and benefit from this, because every dad is broken, no matter how great they are, and I mean all of us are broken. (Yeah.) So I think if you have a broken relationship with your parents, especially your dad, then I think this could really resonate with you.

Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, I think you know as Father’s Day will be coming up, you'll probably be seeing on social media like all these happy faces like, “I love you, Dad,” or “hanging out with my dad,” and you know some people, some of us are like, oh, that's great for you, but I'm not, my life is not like that, but you're right. Like, even pictures like that give us this false thinking, like, oh they have a perfect relationship, and no relationship with our parents is perfect. There's always brokeness with, when you take broken people together, there's always brokeness in that. So yeah. 

So today we are talking about this, because we also have seen and we want to address, too, how our relationships with our dads doesn't just, it's not just isolated in that area. It affects literally everything in your life, and I know that sounds very extreme. But it does. It affects how you view yourself, how you carry yourself, how you view life, and also how you view God. And I think a lot of people don't talk about that enough or don't realize that enough.

So we're gonna get into that. So, I'm gonna just share my story of my relationship with my dad real quick.

Does that, does that sound good?

Yeah, we, we just hope that our stories and just the lessons that we've learned and are still learning offer you hope and comfort and know that you're also not alone (yes) if you resonate with our stories or have a complicated relationship with your parents, especially your dad.

Yes, exactly.

So yeah, I'm feeling, people can probably tell, I'm feeling a little bit more nervous, but it's okay. We're gonna do this.

[4:17]
So yeah, I grew up- so both Alex and I are actually both only children, and I have always had a very complicated relationship with my dad, because for the majority of my life, except when I was small, when I was young and I didn't, I couldn't really make my own decisions, I had to just do everything my parents told me, but I got to an age especially around like teenage, especially in high school, where I started to like, wanna think for myself and do things that were different than what my dad thought was the best for me.

And so I remember from, you know, around, maybe sophomore, junior, especially senior year, but just many instances where we would get into really heated arguments, like fighting each other.

And my mom always kind of half joked kind of half not, like both of us are really stubborn, and I probably get that from my dad. So I just remember a lot of heated conversations around things he didn't agree with about my life, about my choices, what to study, where to apply to college. And it just kind of escalated, it got more and more, I guess severe, not severe, but like aggressive, I guess, as I grew older, because as I'm getting older (you’re breaking free).

Yeah. You're becoming an independent adult, so you're like making choices now, they're pretty big, like where to live, what job to take, where to move to, if you should move, who to marry, who to date, you know, or I guess date and marry, sorry, wrong order.

But yeah, I just like, most of the big decisions that I've made in my life, my dad has been very opposed, including even like marrying Alex, including moving to Australia when I was living there, including studying business when I wanted to study business in college, just to name a few.

So anyway, that just gives you a picture, but let me like, zoom in into a microstory that kind of, I shared this actually in a sermon at church last year, and I just wanted to share it again, because I felt like it really encapsulates what I've been learning from God.

So I remember one year in college, I was really devastated. My dad had sent me this long email. We had been going, like, back and forth, corresponding on email, I was trying to explain to him like why I'm a Christian, because he's pretty opposed to Christianit,y and at the time I felt like, okay, like maybe he's just exploring, let me try to explain to him, and I even like begged, my apologetics friend to like, this is what my dad said, what should I say back, like, I was like so invested into it like, more than I was in my school studies.

And I just remember being so frustrated like, howcome my dad doesn't get it, like, this is the most important thing in my life right now. God is changing me from the inside out. I'm doing ministry, and then the breaking point for him was when I decided to do a ministry internship that summer.

And he just, like, he couldn't handle that. He sent me this long email, very, he used very hurtful words, and I won't repeat it here, because it's too much, but it's basically the gist of it was like, you're not my daughter. Like, you're, I don't recognize you, you’re totally off track, like, you're wasting your life away. And kind of, I just felt pretty much this disowned.

Yeah, that's hard to hear. Especially being an only child, too.

Right. Yeah. And you know, in Asian culture, especially you want to really, like, respect your elders and have them approve of you, so that I carried that with me so much of my life.

So the fact that he was like, so blatantly opposing me and not just opposing, but saying I'm disappointed in you, you're disappointment, all that stuff really like, just stabbed me basically in the heart.

And so I remember that day I was supposed to like, film something for this project, and even my friends could tell like something was off. So we actually just rescheduled that, because I was just, I couldn't even hold, I could barely hold myself together.

And I was just walking, like, on the street, and I was sobbing my eyes out. I couldn't, I couldn't control it. It was raining, too. So it was pretty dramatic.

It was like a movie.

Yeah. Like a movie or a music video, but yeah. In that moment, I was, my heart was totally broken and shattered. Like, why doesn't my dad understand? Why doesn't he get it? Like, I wish he just accepted me, but not just accepted me, I wish he understood what I love so much, and what has totally changed my life.

So, I was like walking with this umbrella, and I remember, I will never forget this moment, while I was walking where I just was overwhelmed with God's presence, and I can't like, it's hard to put into words, but I honestly felt like God embracing me, like spiritually embracing me and reminding me as I was walking and sobbing my eyes out that: I am your Father, and I see you, and I love you, and I know you, and I accept you.

And so my tears were now like a combination of things, I was like so heartbroken from the rejection of my earthly father, but also so overwhelmed and moved, because my Heavenly Father saw what I was going through, and he was with me in it.

And that basically has encapsulated a lot of my journey, like walking, that was several years ago, but yeah, even to this day, still to this day, I have struggles with my dad in different ways, not to that specific, in the same way exactly. But, you know, just a few months ago, I had another incident happen, where my dad sent me another, I told him, you know, Happy Lunar New Year, I know you're in Taiwan, I'm hoping you're having a good time. Mentioned nothing about Christianity, because I knew it was like, a sticking point.

But yeah his response back was about, you know, you’re wasting your life, like this Christianity thing, like you're, this is make believe, you know. And it just got me again.

Just seems like your dad is always very critical like, perpetually critical, doesn't see the good in anything, in anything, right? In anything and everything.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, I know that's not what he wants to do, because as I'm sure as a human being, you want to see the good in things, but I think from his perspective, I've just come to see that he truly views my life as wrong, because he's so convinced that his way is the right way. And my way is the wrong way. And so, because he loves me, because he wants to take care of me, and he wants me to be safe, he's very adamant about, this is you're ruining your life, and I'm helping, I'm like, protecting you by telling you all this.

Yeah, it's out of good intention, just (right) conveyed in a very, the way you experience isn't what he intended.

Right, exactly. So there are many other moments, too, I could go into, but Alex is right, like most of my conversations with my dad, over the years increasingly, as I've wanted to branch out and be my own person, it's been increasingly hard.

And I, you know, through therapy, through counseling, through inner healing, so much of that has helped so much. If you, if you struggle with anything like this, highly recommend therapy, Christian counseling, inner healing, all the things.

Worth the money. The ROI is over 100 percent.

Yes, truly, because otherwise, you just feel crippled and stuck like, oh my gosh, I don't know how to handle this, and I thankfully have had a lot more freedom from it. But I'm just being real, like, as a human being, as somebody, I think any of us, deep inside desire as human beings an acceptance from our dads, from our earthly fathers and our parents. So when we don't have that, inevitably, there's going to be pain. We can't deny that.

But what I really started to see like, through our, actually recently we were talking to our marriage counselor, too, about this, how our upbringing has shaped us, and how even the flaws that we saw in our parents, because no parent is perfect, those actually had both negative impact, but also had positive redemptive impacts, too, on our lives.

And so I'm going to share real quick, actually, like how I've seen, I wrote down some points, how I've seen my dad, this relationship, this struggle with my dad, impact me.

[13:17]
So some of the more like negative things, I guess, has been this very deeply ingrained sensitivity to getting criticism, getting disapproval, getting unsolicited advice when people like, just assume things about me telling me what to do without really knowing me, or really being empathetic and open-minded, people-pleasing, doubting myself.

Those are a lot of things that I've had to really face and heal directly in, and a lot of that really stems from this struggle with my dad. Not totally 100% because of it, but it's a huge contributor. 

And for positive things, though, I have also seen, because my dad was really hard- working like, even though he wasn't physically, like present a lot in the home, like, I saw him work, you know, he came back from work almost every day at 8 PM, like very late. And he always emphasized hard work. So, I think I get a really (you are a hard worker), yeah, I think I get, have my work ethic partially because of my dad.

Also, he was very humble, he rarely would brag about himself, and still to this day, too. So I think humility is a value for me, and also keeping my commitments. I remember my dad, he would always be very on time for things and early. And he had a high level, high value for keeping commitments, honoring other people, keeping your promise. So, I also remember like, never, I told myself, I would never break a promise, if I ever make a promise, it’s a big deal. And to this day, I still don't make promises lightly. Like, I always follow through. Sometimes Alex says it's too much. Like, too committed.

[15:04]
And then on top of that, I want to talk about how it impacted my view of God. So, I also recognize through, you know, all this, this whole journey, that deep inside, I was actually projecting this, like, subconscious image of my dad in how I interpreted his feelings about me, his attitude towards me, subconsciously in my Christian walk, I was doing that with God.

So I was like, you know, I'm in my head, I was like, oh yeah, God loves me, God accepts me, but deep down, I still had a really hard time believing like, why would he just fully accept and love me? Like, I need to prove it, I need to earn his his approval, like I do with my dad, and I would never say that out loud. Like I would never admit I was thinking that, because I wasn't even aware of it. 

But again, through the help of really great Christian therapists and counselors, I was able to identify like, wow, I really don't believe I'm enough. I don't believe that I'm worthy, I'm accepted because of this thing with my dad.

And the other thing, too, is wanting to do things to please God, more than just being and connecting with him. Like, I think so much of, so many of us run around, like, doing all this stuff for God, like, oh, look, I'm so impressive, you know, I did all this ministry, I like prayed for all these people, or I, you know, work for a church, and whatever, and no matter how much work you do for God, it's like, he actually wants us to do that out of abiding in him.

And I just didn't have a concept, like, with my earthly dad, I never had, like, just being present and like, enjoying being present. It was more like, I need to get good grades to get his approval. I need to, you know, win a competition, and maybe he'll say “not bad,” you know, like Asian dads, don't say, nothing ever impresses them. Yeah, a lot of Asian dads would be like, “Mm. Yeah. Pretty good.”

Yeah, “PHD, Stanford, MIT. Pretty good.” Yeah. Okay.

You know, rarely do we hear: “Wow. Great job. I'm so proud of you.” I think we can, Alex, I think you said, you could count the number of times your dad has said, he's proud like, verbally. Same with me. I like, don't remember many times I've gotten affirmation from my dad.

[17:26]
Anyway, so I also wanted to talk about how I've seen God, actually redeeming and using this, I call it like the thorn in my side, and Alex totally agrees. It's, it really is a thorn, because everything stems from this.

Like in my life, my insecurities, my struggles, my mindset barriers, it all is related to this very deeply ingrained wound from my childhood, and it's impacted me for 20 something years.

So right now, I can talk about it in a much more healthy, like, calm way, but if you had talked to me, like in college, I would have not been able to talk about it.

But I do, through the wrestling with God, I have seen how he's been redeeming and using this thorn. So some of the ways have been helping others through this story. Like, when I'm sharing the story, or when I'm sharing about my struggles with my dad, I have so many people come up to me, and “they're like, oh my gosh, your story with your dad really helped me. Like, I go through the same thing, and I feel less alone, it gave me hope,” and I was like, “really?” Like, it's not resolved, so… But I think that's the beauty of it, too, is because I'm still in it and yet, I'm still, I'm able to find hope in the midst of the darkness, I think that also has been a powerful trial that has turned into a testimony, ‘cause some of, sometimes our biggest trials are the most powerful testimonies actually, for other people.

It's also been teaching me how to love people who are hard to love, people who criticize, or oppose, or say hurtful things. And I always think of Jesus. He's the best example of this, ‘cause he literally was on the cross saying, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do,” about the very people who are mocking, criticizing, beating, and crucifying, literally murdering him, and he was able to see them with love and compassion.

God's been using it to teach me to trust him despite my circumstances, to persist in prayer and to not give up, like the persistent widow. To seek my dad's highest good, which is salvation, not his approval.

So for a long time, my prayer was God, like, just change his mind and change his heart, like, help us to be on good terms. And that's not a bad thing. Reconciliation is definitely great.

But I, the most recent, you know, situation, back in Lunar New Year, when I broke down, and I was just crying, and I was telling God, just like, pouring out my thoughts and my feelings with God, I actually heard, I sensed that God was telling me like, pray for your dad's salvation.

Don't pray for, I mean not “don't pray,” but like, true love, like truly loving someone is for their good, not for your comfort around them.

So yeah, instead of begging God for my dad to understand me and accept me, I was like, you know, God, at the end of the, at the end of the day, even if my dad never understands who I really am and never supports who I am and my choices, my biggest desire now really is for him to just know you. To find life and joy and freedom in you, before it's too late.

It's also been teaching me how to take space needed to heal and be sure in who I am apart from his approval. So, yeah, I think a lot of Christians, I was telling Alex this recently, that we try to speed up these healing processes. We want, like, we have a wound, and we’re like, just hurry up, and we keep picking at the scab.

And it's not bad. Like, healing is a good thing, God desires and and has a heart for that, too, but sometimes there is a purpose in why it's taking so long that we can't see. And I think in this process, God's been also teaching me so much about how to grow rooted in my, in my identity, in my worth, and not needing my dad's approval to be part of that.

Also, and most important, actually, is how to see my dad with empathy and love, instead of him being the enemy, actually seeing that it's not a war between flesh and blood. It's a, it's a spiritual battle that I'm facing. So the enemy is the real enemy. The devil is, you know, influencing my dad, telling him to try to sway me away from God, and take me away from my faith. Take me away from my purpose that God's given me to go into, you know, whatever the enemy wants me to do away from God's Kingdom. And so, yeah, I've been able to just recognize, you know, it's not the enemy is not my dad. My dad is just a broken human being like we all are, we're all just finagling through life (Is that even a word? “Finagling”?) just like, trying to figure it all out in life, and my dad is one of them.

He was never taught how to handle emotions, negative emotions especially, he was never taught about emotionally healthy communication with people. And I think a lot of our parents in that generation, especially if they're immigrants, they're just copying what they saw from their parents. So it's like generational trauma and patterns that they were never equipped to break away from.

So when I see my dad in that lens, I have a lot more grace and compassion. And I'm able to just pray for him and ask that God help him in his own journey, and release my dad to God. Instead of me feeling like I have to change him or, you know, I wish he was one way or another.

A lot to dive into. So now you put into you get to talk about your childhood trauma now.

[22:58]
Yeah. Mine won't be as extensive. I actually have the inverse relationship with my mom. I mean, I think I'll touch on both parents. It's hard to isolate. Yeah. Because we're, I'm an only child too, so it's only three of us. So, like one person, if my dad's a certain way, then it obviously affects my mom, it affects me. Yeah.

But I think there is something unique about the role of a father, like that is biblically, like, the father is the spiritual leader of his home and his house, and if he is not aligned spiritually with God, and his Kingdom and his ways, then that can be hard.

Yeah, yeah. True true. Yeah.

So my dad. Pretty similar. I mean, growing up Asian American, I feel like I had a pretty disapproving dad, as well. I think now it's, now it's different. I'll touch base on that later, but when I was growing up, I think, I think it helps to narrate like the whole actually, the holistic picture.

So growing up. My parents both had pretty broken marriages. I only speak from what I experienced, I never want to blame people but just, this is how I felt.

So growing up, both my parents didn't have a great marriage. I always envied other kids who took family vacations, or had dinner together peacefully, and had encouraging conversations.

(Me too.) So that was, yeah, same with Grace. 

So that's kind of the context of how I grew up. But I remember for a part of my life, my mom wasn't too in, in the picture of my life. And I won't go into details around that, because there's a lot to unpack there.

But for a good part of my childhood, I actually spent a lot of time with my dad, where we would go eat pho together, I'm Vietnamese, so Vietnamese noodle soup. And that would be like our quality time together. Or we would go to our local Carl’s Jr., or Mcdonald's. I ate a lot of burgers back then. (Which is so ironic, ‘cause he's so healthy now.)

Yeah, so I really appreciated that, and I have very fond memories of my dad in that respect. But on the flip side, he was also very critical and disapproving, and just had high standards and not too much patience.

And I'll give some examples, or some stories. So I remember very vividly, one time, I was in taekwondo class, and he was driving us home, me and him, home. And in the car, he kind of randomly, just, he basically said, “I don't know what skills you have, like, I don't, I look at all your peers and your friends and they can do, they can play sports, they can play instruments, but what can you do?”

That's paraphrased, but that's how I felt and interpreted it. And so I felt like, wow. I feel a little hurt. And I felt like my confidence was shattered.

So that's like one example of just one of the many times that my dad has disapproved, or has discouraged me.

Another time that was like… I mean, typical Asian dad, like, you get a B+, and your dad just disapproves of you. (Might as well have gotten an F.)

I know, right? Might as well go down more.

And then like, in college I wanted to, I wanted to study business instead of engineering. (Same! My dad- I wanted to study business instead of engineering.) Yeah and he, I remember, he did not approve of that. I mean it's not, I honestly, objectively, I don't think it's that bad.

Did your dad have a perception, ‘cause my, I think my dad had a perception that marketing or business was like sales, and like, and they had a bad perception of salespeople going to your door like, trying to sell things. Did your dad ever talk about that?

No, no, not really. I think he just, I mean, I could be anything I wanted, if it was engineer, lawyer, or a doctor. (Right.) I think a lot of Asians can relate.

And both our dads also got really mad at us for not understanding math. Yeah, that, too.

[28:01]
Yeah, so I would say for a lot of my childhood, I was, how it impacted me was, I didn't know it until now, obviously, because I'm a bit more mature and can understand more, but I was definitely seeking his love and approval, because I felt like everything I did, he never approved of. Even if I got good grades, it's like (right), awesome. (It's not good enough.) Yeah, right. (Yeah.)

So yeah, he didn't really approve of me. He kind of made decisions for me, both of my parents made decisions for me. So, (right) I always had self-doubt about failure, and I had a big fear of failure, ‘cause, even now, like, I still do have a big fear of failure, ‘cause my parents were there for me, they made decisions from me, like you're gonna go this route, or I'm gonna provide this for you, but now that I'm an adult, I can feel that.

But the positive thing that impacted me was just valuing being present with people. I do remember those fond memories, like I said, of just us spending time together. Eating at restaurants. We would go on bike rides together. We would jog together. Play, pass the football around together. So those are things I really valued.

[29:22]
How it impacted my view of God was similar to Grace, seeking to do things, instead of just knowing that I'm fully loved and fully approved.

And, yeah. I mean, in my early relationship with Jesus, it was definitely more works-based, more action-based. Like, I want to do this, I want to help people, and definitely my dad had a big impact on that and also just, I was afraid of making mistakes, even like when discerning things for God, like, God, what do you want me to live? What do you want me to do? You know, those big life decisions. I get crippled by making decisions, because I felt like my dad was always there to help me and kind of make decisions for me.

Right. And it feels in conflict with the concept of God's grace, because it's like, if God’s grace is enough to catch us, you know, wherever we fall, whenever we fall, we have the freedom to make mistakes. But because we're on this, like tightrope of,” we can't make a mistake,” because we've been conditioned to like, be fearful of making mistakes, on top of all that, you feel this internal turmoil about it, like, I want to live and freedom and confidence and empowerment, but I also, like something is holding me back and caging me in, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. One thing I just remembered you said that a father is supposed to be like the leader of the household. (Yeah.) I actually didn't feel that from my dad. (Right.)

I felt like, okay, just speaking from the outside looking at (right), I don't know what's going on between my mom and my dad, but from what I see, it seemed like my mom would, and I use the word abuse very loosely, but it felt like she was the boss, telling my dad what to do. And my dad would just like, do it.

He didn't really stand firm. He didn't defend me when my mom was saying hurtful things to me. And so I kind of lacked that protective, encouraging father figure. And he wasn't, I mean he's getting there, but I felt like he wasn't like, a strong as I needed him to be.

Mm. And how did that impact, like, when you saw that he wasn't like, a strong male figure, how did that impact you, you know, as a kid or or growing up?

I think, I just I think I was just fragile. (Mmm.) Or I was, I was definitely not like the leader type person in school or (right) even in college or, I mean now I am a little bit more, but I was afraid to lead things or yeah, take charge, or (‘Cause you never saw that modeled. So, you're like, oh, if my dad can't do it, like, how could I, right?)

Right, right, right. But now, I think I've come a very long way.

Very much. God can work wonders. (Yeah.) Wow. Thank you for sharing.

I feel like it's worthy to just add, like, we’re talking about this not out of like, anger or bitterness or, I hope that comes across. I just want to extra clarify. We just want to, like, lay it all out there and tell you guys, our lives are not perfect. Our relationships with our dads are messy. Our history is messy, but there's still hope. There's still redemption in it.

So, I just wanted to like, clear that before we move on, ‘cause it can sound, maybe to some people, it's like, oh my gosh, it's like so bad, and we're not trying to villainize anybody here. Except the enemy.

Yeah, I definitely love my dad a lot, and yeah, one of my dreams is to see my dad baptized. (Not just to see him baptized, but…) But I get to baptize him. Yeah.

How cool would that be to have the son baptize the father? It's literally… Yeah. Like a dream.

(Not just any dream, it's your number one biggest dream.) It is my number one biggest dream. (I'm surprised you're not tearing up right now, ‘cause last time you did.)

I know, I know. If you’ve ever, this is kind of a plug, but if you’ve ever seen, if you haven't seen the movie Jesus Revolution, I highly recommend it. (Yeah.) Because there's a lot of those moments. Yeah, baptism moments.

Alex's eyes were wet the entire movie, and that's never happened during any movie we’ve watched. (Yep.)

[33:51]
All right, let's get into some teaching to help you if you have… if you relate in any way, if you have wounds with your father figure in your life, or you just struggle to love somebody who's been harsh towards you or hurt you in the past, we have some tips on how to find healing and how to find freedom.

So the first one is empathy. Kind of like, what I was just saying earlier, we really need to see our dads, not as, you know, perfect people, like with really these unrealistic expectations, really, from you know, “Didn’t they know better? Like, they should’ve done this, they should’ve done that.”

Like, the best thing we can do is, now we are learning from their mistakes, and we can break those generational curses, and, and habits and patterns, you know, for the next generation. But we can't rewind the past. We can't resent or dwell on like, why couldn’t they be better?

Especially because many of our parents in that generation were just not equipped. They went through a lot of trauma themselves. They went through wartimes, maybe. They went through recessions and economic downturns and (So are we. As of this recording.) Yeah, exactly. I know. But we just, we don't know everything that they've been through.

And so we need to see them as broken, flawed people who just didn't know like they tried their best. They tried their best to love us, they care for us. But again, like, think of how Jesus on the cross was being killed, and he still prayed and asked God to forgive the very people who were killing him.

Even today, I was actually this morning reading about right before Jesus gets arrested, during the Last Supper, he's like, talking to his disciples, he's even talking to Judas, and it's like, he still talks- and Peter, too, and he knows what's gonna happen. He knows Judas would betray him. He knows Peter's gonna deny him three times. But he doesn't act out of like, anger or resentment or frustration.

He's so full of love and calmness and peace, because he knows who he is. He’s secure in who he is, so he doesn't need his disciples to do everything to make him feel good or, you know, he just has a bigger picture of God's bigger plan, and also a very strong foundation of who he is, too. So I feel like that enables him to love even when he knows people are gonna hurt him, or have hurt him in the past.

You want to talk about the second, the second tip?

[36:23]
Yeah, this one is by no means easy (Mhm), but I have done it before, and it actually (it’s very powerful) turned my relationship with both of my parents like, almost 180.

I would say this is probably, out of all of them… Okay, I don't know. We shouldn't do favorites. But this one is one of the most powerful things to do.

Yeah, this is the most powerful, I think, and also the most difficult.

So, it's about forgiveness. So when you forgive someone, it releases you from bitterness.

And one- I'll share what I've done. So, I was seeing about five or six years ago, I saw a Christian life coach, and she told me to write a letter to my parents about how I felt, and like specific situations, and forgive them, basically.

So, I wrote a letter to both of my parents and- well, I wrote a private letter to myself about how I felt, but then also, I wrote like a more public letter to both of my parents.

I was living, at the time I was far away from them, but I called them, both of them, and I just said, hey I wanted to share something. I wrote a letter, and I just wanted to read it to you.

And basically by not even midway through, I don't know if they were crying, but I was definitely a wreck and just crying a lot. It was very hard to finish my letter. But, the good news is that after I read the letter, they said, oh, we actually didn't know that. Like, what?

So an example is, I felt like I was always pressured to be perfect, or be an engineer, or be someone incredible who makes a lot of money. (Right.) That's literally what I told them, and I felt hurt or I felt like I was never enough.

And when I said that, they said, “no, we just, actually, you're free to do whatever you want. We just wanted to to protect you, and we just wanted you to be okay.”

And after that, I just, I was like, oh, wow. That brought so much clarity.

So not only did it, did the forgiveness like, release bitterness, but it also brought clarity.

I think there's one thing, it's one thing to like, pray forgiveness over them, but it's another thing that actually say it to their face. (Mmm. Yeah.) And I think, of course, always pray to God. (Yeah.) But if you truly want to reconcile a relationship and restore it, I think having real-time conversations is the way to go.

Yeah, the best that you're able to, because some people don't, they can't, you know, maybe their dad's out of their life, or passed away, you know, and sometimes you're not able to have that kind of closure, or to say it in front of them.

But yeah, the best that you know how and you're able to, I think that's really powerful, because it releases, it verbally, there's power in the tongue, right? And when you verbally release someone and say, “I forgive you, and I love you, you know, I want the best for you.” It just, you're not just telling yourself that, you're also showing them the radical love of Jesus.

And one thing I wanted to add was I was reminded in Ephesians 4, how it talks about anger gives a foothold to the devil. And I think people don't even realize that unforgiveness is holding them back spiritually, in terms of making them vulnerable to the enemy's influence.

Like, if you feel, you know, why am I acting out this way? Why am I still in the sin, or why am I struggling with this or that? It might not seem related to unforgiveness. But it very likely is. Because when we don't forgive, we're holding ourselves in spiritual bondage, basically.

[40:36]
The third thing, so we have four things in total, the third thing is boundaries, so, I think this is, we'll probably have to talk about this in another episode more thoroughly, because there's a lot.

Yeah, we’ll give you just a high level.

Yeah, high level boundaries is not very much talked about, especially in Asian cultures, because in a lot of our culture, a lot of our, what we've learned and passed down generationally has been lack of boundaries is glorified. So codependency, you know, I need to take care of their emotions, I need to tiptoe around them, everybody else needs to be okay, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to shake the boat, like, a lot of these things, we need to identify and then learn how to filter through like, what is actually helpful in the situation versus just like, default to these basically enabling behaviors, oftentimes.

So yeah, again, through counseling, and just growing in this awareness, I realized a lot of the behaviors I had picked up in my life, people-pleasing, you know, trying to get approval, all these things were coping mechanisms when I was younger to try to avoid conflict, ‘cause that's how I defended myself, that's how I protected and self-protected, basically.

So we really need to set learn how to set healthy boundaries with our parents in a way that honors them, that we can still interact with them if possible. And also just see them in a healthy way.

And I think sometimes space can actually be very healthy, and that's something that I personally have experienced and realized over time was, instead of trying to force like, oh, I just have to, like, be with them, like, make it work out, like it just has to work out right away. And if it doesn't, if we don't have reconciled, if we don't reconcile, if we don't have healing right away, something must be wrong. I must not be doing it right.

But again, going back to God's timing in everything, sometimes what you need is also just space to remove yourself from a constantly triggering environment or relationship, and find healing yourself and get deep into your identity, your security. So that way you're able to have the capacity and the tools to know how to love people out of overflow and not trying to seek their approval or fill yourself with you know, their opinions of you, if that makes sense.

And one other thing I'll mention is, there's this verse in the Bible that gets used out of context a lot, which is “obey your parents.” And just look into the context of that of that verse. It's basically talking to children, who are minors in godly families. So their parents are like, you know, following God and like, raising them to pursue God and walk in God's way.

So, yeah, definitely don't feel like you need to do everything your parents tell you, especially if you're an adult and you're like, independent on your own now. And especially if they're not following God, and they're trying to sway you away from faith, which was my case for, I mean, still today.

So definitely use your discernment and wisdom like, you don't want to just, you know, say, screw you and like, I don't wanna do anything to tell me, but you can be respectful in taking what they're saying, but don't feel bad. I think for a long time, or a lot of people feel bad when they don't do everything their parents say, because as a kid you were taught, you must do everything they say.

Yeah, especially in Asian cultures. I feel like there's a hierarchy that you have to follow, and then, I feel like this is a separate topic, but like, hierarchy. And then we’re American, they're more Asian, (Yeah.) But we're Asian American (There’s a generational gap, cultural gap.) Yeah, generational gap, cultural gap.

Yeah. Lots to unpack there. (Yeah.)

[44:32]
The last thing is to pray. I know it sounds pretty simple. I feel like, over the last few years, I definitely have softened my heart towards my dad. And even like, less than a month ago from this recording, we were, I was, me and Grace were visiting my parents, and then the last thing that we did was, me, Grace, and my dad had brunch together.

And he's not Christian, he's agnostic. It's hard to, it's hard to tell. I have one of those dads that don't say that much, so I have no idea what he's feeling. And even if I ask him stuff, he does not really say much. (Right.) So you’re left guessing.

Alex is so sweet. He tries so hard to have intentional deep conversations. And his dad just like, mumbles a word. Like, “How are you and mom?” “Good.” Thanks. (God sees your effort.)

Yeah. But so, I wanted to share the gospel with him or talk about Jesus, but it just, the opportunity didn't arise. And then when we drove from Orange County back home to the Bay Area, I really broke down crying, actually. (Yeah.)

Because I regretted it so much not to, to see my dad not knowing Jesus. And he's getting older, too. Like, I mean, everyone's getting older. (Yeah.) But he's getting older, if you know what I mean.

So, yeah, just continue to pray, and even if it's just praying to soften your heart to see your parents or your dad with empathetic eyes, to know their story and their upbringing, they're humans, too. And they've, they've been through stuff that impacts the way that they treat us. (Yeah, exactly.)

I'm just, I think one person, one of my friends, said it best, “if prayer doesn't change a person, it definitely changes you.” So I wholeheartedly agree with that.

Yes. It really is, I think we can get so frustrated when we're like, ”why is that person not this way or not that way?” When we can always be leaning into, “How is God molding me? How is he transforming me in this process?”

And I definitely relate with that, with what Alex was saying, because through this whole journey, if anything, I have been transformed so much through it.

And, I will say, I pray from my dad almost every day. Like every morning, he's part of my prayers. I'm asking God to just meet him, just encounter him in radical ways. And, you know, I I've, I've heard many different things, like, more things than you can count about how to reconcile with him, how to get to him, how to have constructive, open conversations.

And at the end of the day, I just, I really surrender everything to God being like, God, you see my dad, you know, I need to remember to love and forgive my dad the way that I have already been loved and forgiven by God.

And I think that's, if anyone is struggling with that, I would just, that's my advice, would be dwell on God's love for you, on his forgiveness for you, and that will compel you, when you really understand the depth of how broken, how undeserving, we all are and you are, that will also compel you to be able to do that for people who you might not think otherwise you'd be able to.

So yeah, the last kind of encouragement before your- the action of the week: we want to just encourage you to also think about how is your relationship with your dad shaping your relationship with God, because there's probably a lot to identify there about how to correct your view of God.

And the best way to do that is to study the Bible. Read God's Word. Study his character. Ask people who, you know, know and love God and follow him with their whole heart. And really be intentional to surround yourself with resources, people, and just ways to understand how to view God in a healthy, accurate way, rather than shaded by, you know, your wounds, or hurts from the past from your earthly dad.

And so the action for the week, we want to encourage you, you know, we've talked a lot about our feelings, but we want to give you some actions to take.

[49:01]
One thing is to take time this week to reflect on these two questions:

So, number one, kind of similar to what I was saying: How did your relationship with your dad impact you? And be honest. Don't judge yourself, just be honest, the negative ways and the positive ways, just like we just did in this episode.

How did your relationship with your dad impact you growing up? And you can journal it down. I think it's very healthy to process and especially if you have a counselor or coach or even a trusted friend, you can have this conversation.

Number two is: how did it impact your view of God?

So yeah, that's exactly what I just said, but just think about it, because if you don't, you might be viewing God, you might be limiting your experience of God, or even, it could even be damaging to your soul. Like, if you if you don't correct your view of God in a healthy way.

And the other thing right now is:

[49:55]
An action you can take right at this moment is to ask God to help you have empathy and grace for your dad.

So here are three prayers. I actually want you, we wanna invite you right now, wherever your listening, whatever you're doing or watching, take the time right now to ask God, just in your own words, or silently, or out loud to yourself:

God, would you show me how you see my dad?

God, would you help me to love and forgive my dad, as you love and forgive me?

And the last one is:

God, would you show me how you want me to reflect your love to my dad this Father's Day?

Yeah, those are really great prayers. We don't expect you to miraculously heal from your father wounds, or even reconcile your relationship with your dad. It's a complicated one.

But we, I mean obviously, we know God does miracles, and we invite that, but if you don't see fruit right away, don't be discouraged.

I'm in my early 30s, and I mean, it's kind of like trying to heal 30 years of complicated relationship with your dad. It's not realistic to to do that, but we can always start the journey.

So I would just encourage you to seek support, cultivate empathy and grace, and learn to see your dad through the eyes of love. Like, ask Jesus to give you eyes of grace to see your dad, who is also broken, has a story behind him for the ways that he has treated you and everyone else around him.

But we, we can also use our pains to heal, if we let God heal us, and we all can also use our pain to help others, as well. Kind of similar to this podcast. Like us sharing vulnerably. (Oh that’s meta.) Yeah, it's kind of weird. It's kind of like us sharing our story. Just kind of being vulnerable and (yeah) encouraging you, as well, and just the lessons that we've learned. (Yeah.)

So yeah, even if you're struggling with a complicate, with a complicated relationship, please know you're not alone. (Yeah.)

I think that's the biggest takeaway, if you take nothing else from this podcast, we want you to know: You are not alone. You are enough. God sees you, he's with you, and he loves you - all of you - and he does not dismiss your pain. And I think somebody needs to hear that.

Well, hopefully, it encourages you, and, like Grace said, you're not alone. So hope you feel like you're not alone in the struggle. And yeah, feel free to reach out to us. If you have any questions about our relationship with our parents, either mom or dad, that you’d like to talk through, we would love to hear.

We would also love to hear stories of both struggle and victory, as well. Yeah, we even do, we're soft launching our consulting. We love doing one-on-one coaching and consulting with people, and it's like a combination of ministry, emotional / mental health tools that we've learned through so many years of our own healing.

So, yeah, definitely reach out. The link will be in the description, and we'd love to talk to you. 

Thanks so much for joining us, and we'll see you back here next week!

If you liked our podcast, we wanna ask you to help more people learn how to grow closer to God and experience the fullness he has for them by taking just 30 seconds right now to rate and review this podcast or like and subscribe on YouTube. It's a small action, but it makes a big difference so we can continue serving you with resources like this! 

We'd love to hear from you about your reflections and questions for us to unpack in the future. We invite you to share this episode, tag us on social media, and follow us for more encouragement and helpful tools for living fully the way God designed you to.

We pray that God fills you with his love, his joy, his peace, and his wisdom as you continue growing in your daily walk with him. We're so grateful for you and we can't wait to see you again next week!
Grace & Alex Tran
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