Episode 14: NON-OBVIOUS Tactics That Have Helped Us Overcome COMPARISON
INCLUDED: BONUS “IDENTIFY YOUR UNIQUE GIFTS” GUIDE
Comparison can be a silent thief, robbing us of joy, contentment, and SO much more.
In this episode, we dive into the complexities and nuances of comparison, sharing our own raw and honest (and ongoing) experiences with it - and what has been most helpful to us in overcoming it.
Join us as we explore the hidden ways that comparison seeps into our lives, affecting us in ways we often don't even realize... including our faith, relationships, and identity.
We pray that these unconventional tactics (that most people don't talk about) and our personal examples and stories empower you to break free from the comparison trap... and confidently become the person God's made you to be, and powerfully live out the unique purpose he's called you to fulfill!
TOPICS:
0:00 - Intro
0:50 - Alex's personal journey with comparison
2:48 - Grace's personal journey with comparison
3:20 - The benefits of comparison
5:06 - What comparison steals (other than joy): #1
6:26 - Alone time with God vs. spending time in community
10:56 - What comparison steals (other than joy): #2
13:27 - The deceptive illusion of perfection
15:51 - What comparison steals (other than joy): #3
17:24 - What's happening underneath comparison
18:54 - Responding to bragging
20:03 - What comparison steals (other than joy): #4
21:42 - Comparison in ministry or at work
24:07 - Purposeful hiddenness (false "success")
25:16 - Body image and appearances
27:09 - Tactic #1 to break free from comparison
28:15 - How to heal your inner child
33:49 - Tactic #2 to break free from comparison
34:52 - The role of shame in comparison
36:27 - Connecting with Jesus' compassion
39:16 - The consequences of fearing our emotions
40:24 - Tactic #3 to break free from comparison
42:12 - How much to grow in your weaknesses vs. invest in your strengths
45:43 - Every person's unique "value prop"
48:10 - Recap / last notes, tips, & encouragements / get 1-1 help
FIND MORE RESOURCES (& BONUS “IDENTIFY YOUR UNIQUE GIFTS” GUIDE) IN THE EPISODE REFLECT & APPLY GUIDE
Transcript
Welcome back to the podcast! Today, we're diving into a really juicy and exciting topic that we believe a lot of our own friends wrestle with. Also, it hits close to home for the both of us. (And everyone wrestles with it to some degree without even realizing it.) Yeah. And that topic is comparison.
So we're not saying that we're perfect and we never ever compare ourselves to our peers, our role models, or anything like that. We have personally struggled with it, but we've come a really long way from where we were before, I would say. This is one of my biggest thorns on my side thatII've come to overcome.
To give a little backstory: I was constantly compared as a kid, my parents, being Vietnamese immigrants, they- and being an only child, too, for me, my parents really just were tiger parents. And I know a lot of listeners can probably relate. My dad always wanted me to get straight A's, eventually have a great career, make a lot of money.
Because I was also the only son, I had a lot of pressure just to perform and do things really well. (Especially compared to the cousins.) Oh yes, especially to the cousins. So in my teens and even even early 20s, out of college, I tended to compare myself to a lot. I was, to a lot of people, I was insecure, and I was not confident in who I was. I was trying to blend in with the crowd a lot.
For example, my dad wanted me to be an engineer, and in college, I decided to go against that, and just do other things that I aligned with.
I think there's a lot of ways that I've overcome this, at the root, it involved a lot of therapy, a lot of counseling, a lot of life coaching. And right now I feel a lot more confident and who I am, and the gifts and abilities that God has given me. And even my unique story that I'm able to live more into that, the life that God has given me.
Yeah. Yeah. And even just, I mean, we've been married two and a half years, dated- I mean, it's only been like, a handful of years we’ve known each other, but I've already seen- I was telling Alex, like, I've seen him come such a long way, even compared to when I first met him, in terms of growing in his confidence and not comparing himself.
And because, I think for all of us, it's easy to get in our heads about comparing ourselves. But then people close to us are like, why are you comparing yourself? Like, you're awesome. Like, it's always clearer from the other person's perspective.
But yeah, from me, I didn't have parents that compared me, thankfully, that much. Like, I don't really remember times of my mom would be like, oh, look at so and so, you know, be like- I actually think she was very intentionally, like, be yourself like, which is a good thing.
But I think, as everybody, most people experience, you know, when you go to school, you have like, peer pressure to conform if you're not cool, like the cool kids, you feel weird. You feel like you're an outcast, you feel like people are teasing you. Definitely had my experiences, too, being teased, or made fun of.
To some degree, it's a survival mechanism, too. Like, if you're thinking about people from the prehistoric times. Of course, people have always needed to compare themselves with other people to make sure they survive, right?
Like, “If those people have that kind of food, like, where can I get that food to survive the storms and the winter?” So I think comparison by itself is not a bad things, in a lot of ways it can help you survive. It can help you be wise and inspire you to be like, oh, that person's doing this, ‘ike, maybe I could consider that, as well.
But I think most of the time we think of comparison, it's the negative effects of realizing it's stealing so much more than just joy.
You know, we know that everyone's heard that term “comparison is the thief of joy.” We just wanted to do this episode because we were talking about how the enemy uses comparison as a way to steal not just joy, but also so much more, that affects the rest of our lives.
So yeah, if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I'm okay, like I don't, I don't struggle with comparison, like, that's awesome. But I would just challenge you, like, we would invite you to consider like, how could it may be still be lurking in the shadows? Maybe you haven't even realized, because oftentimes, we think, if comparison’s the thief of joy, and I have enough joy in my life, I'm pretty content and happy.
Oftentimes, actually, we're like, either escaping the discomfort and the pain, or we are numbing ourselves. And we don't even realize that there are gaps inside of us that we're trying to like, compensate for. And that's rooted- it's tied with comparison, I think.
Also, as Asian Americans we tend to get compared to with a lot, especially those cousins and and those friends. So I feel like this is a relevant topic, just for Asian Americans and also Christians. (Yeah.)
So, besides joy, there's a few other things that the enemy uses comparison to steal from us.
The first one is stealing your intimacy with God. And this one is a little more fresh for me.
So, Grace and I were talking about how we love gathering in community, in small groups, and worshiping together. But I've come to notice about myself that I actually compare myself to other Christians oftentimes, like, why is God working like that in their lives? Why are they experiencing God in this way? But then for me, I don't feel it, or I don't experience those miracles or manifestations that a lot of people experience.
When I compare myself to that, I feel like I'm more seeking the experience, rather than God himself.
And I had a very busy week, just with a team offsite, and I actually got to spend amazing quality time with God this morning, just listening to worship, singing, journaling, reading a bit and just spending time in God's presence.
And so when I don't compare and I just seek God, it just helps me connect more with God and my relationship with God is just more rich.
You can't rely, you can't overindex on being alone your whole life or being a community to rely on other people to experience God. Because oftentimes, there is distracting things going on, or you're thinking about, at least for us, we've talked about sometimes we're in when we're in large environments with other people, we're actually paying attention to you know, what do people think if I don't go to the front right now? If I’m not, like, expressive in my worship?
You know? Like, let us know in the comments if you struggle with this or not. But for us, we're like, just honestly, sometimes it can be distracting.
And for the both of us, like the most depth that we personally have experienced with God, has almost always been our one-on-one times with God.
The benefit of gathering a community is, of course, you get prayed over, you get prophecies, you get encouragement. There's so many things that are so beneficial from community.
But when it comes to like really knowing God and hearing from him directly, we, just for us, personally, feel like we don't get distracted as nearly as much when we're just like spending time with God.